Cry Baby!
"Mirror reflection examination of my mind, body and soul"
I always cry, it's as if there's something innately wrong with me!
It's as if I go out of my way to think up things that are sad, forcing me to cry. It's quite concerning actually, ha ha. I'll give you some examples, once, on the train to uni, I saw a tall skyscraper and found myself thinking ..what if I were a guy in the tower.. and it was some sort of September 11th.. and I had to choose between certain death staying in the tower and probable death from jumping off the tall building. I could just feel the desperation and sadness the person would be going through, and it felt as if i were that guy and those emotions were mine, it felt so real that I started crying, on the train, to uni! I'm kinda stupid like that, obviously I stopped myself, but then I began to question myself, why do I even think about things like that, after all, it's so depressing.
Another example is earlier today, I was on skype to my cousin, during which I was reading a blog. Whilst I was skyping with her, I had read something that it really struck me deep and made me sad, I felt like crying. I stopped myself, obviously, but then just ten minutes later the conversation led it's way to something that made me feel so sad, and I couldn't hold it in. So then I started crying. It would have been embarrassing, but I trusted her. Or maybe it's not about trust, she's a really nice person and I mean that so genuinely, but people won't always see it because she guards herself very well, and to a certain extent so does everyone..
And again just now, a moment before I started typing this post in fact, and I warn you that this is immensely stupid, but when I said it's as if I just -make- myself cry almost on purpose, I meant it.
I was thinking about things, as my mind always does, and then I told myself bluntly,
"you're not loved by anyone, and it's okay because, you're okay with it".
What a horrible thing to say to anyone, let alone to yourself ha ha. But yeah, so I ended up crying and then realising that I suppose I'm not okay with it after all. Maybe I just push my own buttons to see how I really feel, deep down inside, or maybe I'm just horrible ha ha, I don't know.
I guess maybe it's just that I'm a lonely person, not in a needy clingy way that some find themselves being when they feel lonely, but I guess loneliness is how I've always felt, for most of my life. When you do something enough times it becomes normal to you, or so they say.
Haha, wow, now I think I'm really stupid for writing this post in a public blog with my name all over it, I guess I should change that ha ha.
Someone I was talking to today told me that they started an anonymous blog, because a friend mentioned that blogging helps clear his mind. So in essence I suppose that I'm writing this post in order to clear my mind too, and to stop myself from making myself cry. After all, it's really annoying and makes me seem like such a cry baby ha ha.
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